we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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