I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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