1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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