I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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