Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
