I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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