eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
