loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
