Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
