i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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