end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize