My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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