I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
