even my farts smell like vagina
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize