saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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