oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
