I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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