I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
