No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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