We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
