Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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