did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
