Soap is not a condiment
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
