I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
