I'm so fucking centered right now
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
