wakey wakey hands off snakey
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
