I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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