i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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