Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize