I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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