Already got asked if we're dating
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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