You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
