nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize