i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
