There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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