i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
