bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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