So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
