This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
