Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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