I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
