i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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