I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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