My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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