I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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