You made me cry and you don't even care
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hippo gnu deer
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
