nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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