She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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