Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
