I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
