I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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