My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
