Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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