im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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