can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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