Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
