Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
