just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
