Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
