My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
