I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
me + whiskey = a bad person
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
