We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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